Purging Facebook Friends

(Written per request by the Friends who "survived" my purge and wondered what my rationale was as well as my strategy.)


You may be reading this because you too have considered purging.  Or maybe you accept all friend requests and secretly wonder if that’s the best strategy.  This article is written simply to share my experience.  There are as many ways to have a Facebook account as there are Facebook users.

Important Note on Purge (Defriending) vs Hiding

There are people for whom you politically, family-drama-creating, or professionally can not defriend. In this case you may chose to hide them to avoid seeing their information. Hiding still means they see YOUR information. Facebook is about giving and receiving and would you want to be the victim of 80% of your friends hiding you, always wondering why nobody responds to you? No. Unless drama would be created, consider Reasons to Purge.

Reasons to Purge

I first was turned on to this idea by a status update of someone who basically said, “if you can read this, you’ve made it through the first round.”  I asked her how she came up with whom to purge. 

Her list included:


People who never do status updates
People who never interact with her
People who annoy her or otherwise aren’t a positive addition to her Facebook life

I became intrigued but in attempting it myself, it felt rude!  I don’t actually dislike anyone I friend request or accept.  It seemed self-righteous to remove people, as if I am any better or more interesting than they are.   So I didn’t delete anyone.

The Signs

There are sometimes little signs that things aren't quite going right.  The big one was a Twitter-based friend, on Facebook, was giving prayers of thanks for something that seemed serious.  I went to her wall to find out her sister had died.  Wow!  She had lots of outpouring of support and prayer.

I barely knew this woman.  I had no idea she had a sister, let alone the sister was dying.  Is it false sympathy to say “I’m sorry?”  Perhaps I didn’t belong among her true friends and fellow grievers.

In contemplating that moment I paid more attention to my emotional reaction to people.  Whether it’s envy (wow, if I didn’t have kids and had the time and money, it would be amazing to live that friends live of concerts and long nights with friends), or annoyance (OK, I get it, you’re getting a giant house and love to show us the price of it and all the oversized furniture you are buying to fill up the space.)  I realized simple status updates were creating a lot of inner-talk!

The Strategy

What was my goal for Facebook?  This was the core question for me to aggressively purge people.  For me it’s a combination of personal and professional.  While I ditched people I spent 8 years of school with, I add people I’ve never met but whom I have a shared professional interest.  Ah, the fickle nature of it all.

The Local People

If I’m following people I went to school with, but have never seen, would never make plans to see, and never cross paths with, why am I following them?  I removed the vast majority, keeping those I actually engage with on Facebook.

I was on the Board of Trustees at my last church, married there, and know a lot of fantastic people.  But it still begs the question, if I’m never going to meet up with them, they never engage in my life nor me in theirs, and we have nothing in common, why am I following them?

The College People

(Note: I live where I went to high school so others may have “schooling” as a combined category.)


There are people I actually interact with and care about or find interesting.  But most?  I never go the 5 miles to my own college reunions so why am I listening to their trials and tribulations? 

The Process

As I deleted friends I freaked out seeing that I was only one of 30 friends to some people.  Wow.  It makes me feel really exposed and self-indulgent to know that I’m potentially one of just a couple people who ever post so their wall is just me.  Ugh.


Some people I didn’t even remember having on Facebook so that’s pretty low-guilt. 


Some people never post so I didn’t feel badly removing them.


A few people I felt a little guilty but wondered if they would even notice.  And if they “re-friend requested” me, I’d accept. 


Others I realize I had on in case I ever needed to contact them. Call it my hoarder mentality because the truth is if I REALLY needed to contact them why hasn't that need ever arisen and why don't I have their real email or phone?   Well, knowing they’re on Facebook means I know I can always email them using the “send message” to their Facebook account. This is the hoarder equivalant of realizing that if I ever did need a big box of cotton balls again, the store is two blocks away.


I moved fast through categories to avoid over-thinking.  It took about 2 hours total to get rid of over 50 people and groups (and fan pages… )

The Result

I pretty quickly noticed I felt lighter!  I also noticed a dramatically slower Facebook wall!  I used to hop on every few hours and have 300 updates awaiting me.  Now I can go an entire day and maybe get 300, on a busy day.


I feel happier realizing that some friends, groups, and fan pages were annoying me or distracting me from simply reconnecting with people or ideas I really wanted to engage.


While the same people respond to my status updates, it FEELS like a lot more love going on.  I think when you have fewer people you are writing to your tighter circle so when they respond, you feel good. (Or perhaps they're writing, paranoid I'm going to delete them!)


I missed some people who I should have de-friended.  Or who I thought had de-friended me until I saw them still in my Friends list. It doesn't feel as dramatic to now delete people here or there after The Big Purge.


I do not miss the drama of some people nor do I miss the sense of envy when people publically got together and I could see their shared wall updates. It's dumb envy because I don't actually want together with those folks but, well, everyone wants to be part of the party!?


I do not miss the random family photos of people I barely know, or have 14 year old memories of and only shared a couple classes with.


I feel more intentional.  I have taken back my Facebook account and repositioned why I’m on there and what my goals are.

I still feel self-indulgent. I don't want to attract attention, make people paranoid or wonder why I "find them worthy enough" to stay friends with. That wasn't my goal. Again, it's all finicky.

I defy all my rules for some people. And that is OK, too.

 

--- Tweet me your feedback, or friend me on Facebook! (But if you simply sell your stuff on Facebook I will defriend you! I'm there to engage and relate and have fun.)